Now Playing: The sound of the fan that is currently set to “high” in this gorgeous Indigo Hotel in Sarasota, Florida.
I find myself in a very unexpected place in life. Months ago, I was just struggling to hold onto a job and now I found myself quite firmly entrenched in one. Almost a year ago, I was lamenting the loss of what I had once thought to be a great friendship, now I merely think of it as having reached its impending expiration date. All too recently I was unofficially couchsurfing, using the connections that my cherished time in Georgetown had cultivated so that I could make what seemed like unforeseeable ends meet. I was a nomad. Now, I think it is safe to say that I have a home.
It’s not much, this home of mine, but I like to think that it’s becoming something grand. It’s in a place that I have always known from afar, even though at times I was less than a half-hour from its city center. Back then it was but a mere shadow of what it is now.
Atlanta. One of the last great American cities where I could imagine kicking off my life as a young professional. Hotlanta. The place that part of me had abhorred during my childhood because my grandparents’ idea of going out was a trip to see the laser show at Stone Mountain National Park, which basically paid homage to the old Confederate South through a dazzling light show punctuated by a flamboyant array of fireworks, or to the newest Target that opened just a few miles down the road. By the time I was seven, I was already jaded by the South without ever truly knowing what it was. Now, I look upon this as time to make amends. ATL. Georgia and the deep South are as close to a motherland as I’ve got on this side of the globe.
It’s strange now to be looked upon as an adult. To make those adult decisions. To be accountable for any and all of my actions. It is rendered even more difficult when my voice betrays my beard, when my laugh doesn’t quite match my gaze, and when I’m quite literally one of the youngest employees in my department of the company. More than half of the employees have been flying for longer than I have been alive and 99% are quick to remind me of that. Oh yeah, in case you didn’t know by now, I’m a flight attendant. Being young under such circumstances is really working for me though. In an older female-dominated profession, my colleagues have proved to be very maternal towards me. As you can imagine, this can be a double-edged sword. However, for as many crazy micro-managers out there, there are just as many who genuinely dote upon me and give me helpful tidbits of advice, be they about the job, things to do on our layovers, or ways to optimize the time that we have here on this Earth. I run through it with a fine-toothed comb, leaving the stuff that matters in place and plucking out all the split ends.
The most difficult part of all? It has been for me to accept myself as an adult. I’m the only person that is in my head, constantly criticizing every move that I make, reevaluating the type of person that I have been until now, and asking myself what type of person I would like to be in the future. I don’t have many regrets in life because I like to think that, once I realized that the world was mine if I tried hard enough, I lived life as fully as I can ever since. However, for the ones that I do have, they ring painfully loud in my ears in those odd moments when I am alone and have nothing but my own mind to torment me. I guess that my only solace is knowing that this must be a normal part of life: the second-guessing and anxiety. If we don’t have the capacity to check ourselves, then I don’t think we would go very far.
Now a freshly-minted 23 year old, I find myself myself looking for a theme both for the year and for life in general. “Follow your gut, be upfront.” I need to be more upfront in all that I do. This past year out of college, I have learned that the people worth keeping around and who really want to stick around will be there regardless. As my stepmother loves to remind me, “there’s no use in keeping something that doesn’t want to be kept.” There’s no use in bending ourselves out of shape for those who not only won’t do the same, but also those who chose not recognize your efforts. In friendships, quality always trumps quantity and in relationships, well I can’t lose something that I’ve never really had, right? I won’t let my independence, inexperience, and solitude make me thirsty. I don’t want to use people as experiments or rush into things to just gain experience. I want to make smart decisions, if not always calculated ones, yet also be open to possibilities. All that I can do is to grow to be more comfortable in my own skin, admire and embrace all of its different textures and tones, and, in the words of my company, keep climbing. Yes.
Now Playing: “Howl” by Florence & The Machine intermingled with my roommate’s even snoring.
So I’ve let my inner crazy come through a few times since the last time that I wrote in this blog. Let’s just say that the results weren’t quite as disastrous as I had predicted; but they were still damaging nonetheless. I guess that’s how it’s supposed to happen sometimes though.
It’s kind of like clearing part of forest with the slash-and-burn technique. Yeah, you kind of set turmoil to the lives of hundreds of little forest creatures, but in the end you are left with some pretty fertile soil where you can now grow all of your favorite crops.
Ok, that fell a little bit flat, in my opinion. I guess that what I am trying to say then is that, more so than any other time in my life, these past few months I’ve learned just how deep the consequences of my actions can resonate. I’ve taken some risks. I’ve tested the limits of my patience. I’ve said and written some things…many things..but I guess the point is that I’ve taken some risks and that I feel so much better because of it. I’ve been learning that things will turn out all right if they are meant to. If they don’t turn out well, well, that means that they were destined to fail.
Understanding this now doesn’t, however, make me indifferent or invulnerable to the results. In fact, I’ve suffered one of my greatest deceptions to date in just the past few days. Not only can craziness gain you a few friends along the way, but it can also make you lose them. Without going into specifics, I guess the questions that I am now left with are: is there truly forgiveness in this world and, finally, can being a victim actually turn you into a monster?
Based on my experiences, I would have to say no to the former and then yes to the latter. Maybe in time I will change my mind but I feel like I would save myself from a lot of heartache if I would stop being so damn optimistic with certain friends. My foresight is being overshadowed by my emotional myopia. More and more, I am learning that everything that makes your heart race isn’t always a good thing. I feel that I should personally start paying more attention to the things and people that are chilling in the background. I just hate the idea of always expecting less so that I can be surprised every once in a while. Ironically, this has more or less been my mentality since December.
With all of that said, overall, I’d say that I’ve been winning in some way or another in these recent situations. Learning things the hard way is never a bad thing. Not learning, now that sucks! Learning from my shortcomings is why I’m here in Atlanta now for the next few months as train for what could be my first permanent full-time job. Learning from my shortcomings has opened my heart up in ways that I was too afraid to see before. There is always something better to be had, right? My biggest challenge now is realizing that it is quite possible that I, as I am, can be that better thing for both myself and other people.
This training sure is going to be something. Already I can see that it goes much beyond just getting the job. It’s about regaining myself in my entirety for the very first time. I’m ready to be my favorite crop.
Now Playing: “Last Night (Part II)” by Dirty Money
The white, wooden plains of Upstate New York have already faded away and all I can see is my own reflection as we pull into the bustling truck stop in Bath.
Sometimes I feel like doing something really crazy. I want to call that person that I cut out of my life a long time ago. I want to cut off that person that’s trying to make his/her way back in. I want to scream at that other one who’s been plaguing my thoughts for months now. I even want to apologize for being honest and for those times that I lied, or didn’t tell the whole truth. I want all of my strikes to be low blows because even when you fight fair, people still smile in your face as they step on your toes. But what would come of it?
Sunken bridges–bump being burnt.
My days are full of acting out different scenarios, obsessing over people not sticking around and me over-imposing myself, and stressing over what for many would just be pure and utter nonsense.
Everything is either a crossroad or a threshold for me these days. That whole exciting and new phase is beginning to bore me. I want to walk through doors, not just admire their moldings. I’m tired of thinking of the future when my present is a mess that I can’t even say that I am rightfully controlling.
I want more because more is required. I hope that I’ll have gotten more by the next time I write here. I’ve been flying for a while. It’s time to roost.
Now Playing: The sound of a jackhammer coming from somewhere within the Elliot School of International Affairs at the George Washington University.
A lot has changed. So much has changed, in fact, that I became consumed with it and have neglected the blog in a way that I had not intended. It is difficult to classify these changes: to call them good or bad. I guess that they just can’t be polarized like that; therefore, I shall call them necessary.
I’m in Washington again. Again? Yes, I went back to Buffalo for a few weeks. DC became a bit too real for me towards the end of August. I had found myself with an internship, but no incoming income, and a place to stay with no space to live. I had to go home to place where my heart hasn’t resided in a very long time, hoping all the while that the distance would provide me with some much-needed clarity. In short, it did. I like to think of my time there as the summer vacation that I never really had last year. Of course, the time spent with friends and family–not to mention with the Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess–was long overdue and very fulfilling, albeit bittersweet. The more I thought about getting used to it all, of falling into a rhythm, the more my instincts told me to flee. The idleness and isolation were crippling. I felt like a bird that is too big for its own cage, my wings all cramped up and aching from disuse. I had to realize that if I were going to struggle, then I would rather take my chances in the open sky. Buffalo could no longer contain my yearning to fly.
DC has been far from a fairy tale, though it does share a few elements with one. Though I may be the star in this story, the star is nobody without a stellar supporting cast. Nothing would have been possible if I didn’t have a place to rest my head at night, though many times I was so busy trying to make things happen professionally all while still being an aspiring socialite of sorts that I would rarely ever see them. It has been like I am the guest that was…or something like that. In a driven, professionally-minded place such as Washington DC, it’s hard to know exactly what people’s motives are and equally easy to lose sight of your own. Let’s just say that on a basic level, I am so happy to be surrounded by such good people. =) Knowing this makes struggling in my favorite city in the whole wide world seem not so gloomy and hopeless. Through them, I now know what real friendship is.
Nevertheless, even friendship can’t conquer all, and I have had my tribulations. I’m in my own head so much these days that it makes me sick and there have been times when I don’t even recognize myself, be it for better or worse. I don’t know what I want, but I do know what I don’t want. Neither do I know where I want to be, but I know where I don’t want to be. I get tired of answering questions, especially the inquisitive but highly deprecating “Deion! What are you doing here?” that I (sometimes) get whenever I am at Georgetown (which happens to be a lot). I feel that I shouldn’t have to explain myself to them, especially since they equate an alumnus being there with failure. Sometimes I want to yell at them and say that they could never do what I’m doing right now, that they wouldn’t have the hunger to do it–that if they knew me the tiniest bit, they would know better than to ever associate my name with failure, or to think of me as just some deadbeat without a purpose, clinging desperately onto the past. (There goes my egotism for you…)
It’s amazing how much I’ve only truly been able to recognize my own worth once somebody else questions it. Many times I get down on myself for not applying to this, or for not performing the way that I want during an interview, or for not being able to prove why I stand apart from the rest. I hate how I’ve believed that I had no more fight left in me. :: sigh :: This journey has been marked by a search for validation by outside things and/or people when maybe that’s not really where I need to be looking.
I have so much to learn, so much soul-searching to do. I can’t let this vagabond life get the best of me. Instead, I have to get the best out of it. I feel like I’m at the edge of cliff, poised and ready to take flight. It’s cloudy and cold. I can’t see in front of me but no matter what, I have to fly. It’s the only way.
Today was a good day.
This isn’t to say that other days haven’t been as good or anything of the sort.
But today was a good day.
Let’s name the numerous things that helped to make this happen.
- First off, I was able to wake up early and watch Venus Williams win her Round of 16 match against Jarmila Groth at Wimbledon. She’s my favorite tennis player and one of the few athletes that I admire so it is always a pleasure to see her win.
- I was able to leave the house earlier than usual and actually arrive in class before the professor began the lecture. This is a feat because the commute from Silver Spring, Maryland to DC is unpredictable and because I’ve been waking up later than usual as of late.
- I’m really digging my new hair and am confident that it is a healthy medium between overall appearance of neatness and personal style, which is something that has continually plagued my conscience as I prepare to become a young Black professional (with long hair).
- Class went by pretty quickly today…replete with awesome quips by Professor Zimmers that were duly noted in my handy-dandy notebook.
- I got to bond with my good friend Jasmine over the True Blood series. There’s currently a True Blood dinner and viewing party in the works for July 11, 2010. =)
- The watermelon I bought last week, the first whole watermelon that I’ve ever purchased myself, has become one of the most juicy and succulent natural treats and makes me feel that summer has truly arrived.
- And finally, today, the conversation I had yesterday with my stepmother finally sank in. When telling her about all the positive leads I have (about the student guard position and the interview with the Brazilian Embassy) and of the end of classes, she told me that it seems like everything is coming together for me and, most importantly, that she was proud. I realized today that though the packaging is different from what I had imagined, the contents are still basically the same. I’ll be getting making some cash, getting invaluable experience, and through with my undergraduate career…what more could I ask for?
But mostly I’m just hopeful to be able to try again. The reality of staying here in Washington DC (or stateside, for that matter) doesn’t quite fill me with dismay as it initially had. Yesterday I recalled that fabulous Senior Convocation that my friend, Pam, gave last month about success through failure and it all made sense. This next year is going to be great because I’ll be able to go out for all of those things that I didn’t get (like the Princeton in Latin America Fellowship) and also for the things that I found out about after the deadline. I’ll be so much better this time around because all of the things I have been through and will eventually go through in the future.
My cousin, Nikki, told me that I was destined to make moves. After all, I’ve been doing it for so long and in a way that maybe even my family hadn’t expected. It’s funny how I’ve lost sight of that and how easily I allowed myself to be defeated, not just by the real world, but also by my own mind. But then again, I guess I’m at my best when under pressure. Maybe the problem with senior year was not that there was too much pressure, bur rather, there was not enough.
It has taken the culmination of being secluded from my best friends and my family, being broke and supported by my family, living in an apartment that is not my own and in a city that is not yet my own, and being limited by my own lack of resources for me to realize just how real it all truly is.
Typical.
All I can say is wait ’til you see my smile once things start going my way.
Now Playing: “Dining With Death” on the Travel Channel.
Now Playing: Kathy Griffin’s “Life on the D-List” show
So it’s almost been a month since I last wrote here and now I’m about to summarize what I have been up to as of late.
I’m more than halfway through my summer course at Georgetown University. I’m not quite yet sure whether it is for the right reasons or not but I am really enjoying it. First off, it is the most hilarious world history course that I have taken in my life; and no, it’s not because I find history particularly funny. It’s just the way that the early history of the known world is being spun. My professor, a young, energetic, and highly sarcastic individual really wears himself out trying to make this morning class as fascinating and meaningful as possible. Though I write ample notes about the topics at hand, I must admit that I devote at least 10% of my note-taking space to writing down the numerous one-liners and zingers that he makes during each class. Let’s just say that he has a very active imagination, as those who follow me on Twitter can attest. If he knew that he was becoming so popular in the tweeting world, I wonder if he would give me any extra credit. Hmm, only in the best of all possible worlds…
But on to bigger and better things…I GOT A JOB! …as a student guard. =P Don’t worry, I don’t plan on making a career out of it, but it’s going to be a great way for me to make money until I secure something a bit more substantial. It’s been a while since I’ve actually generated any sort of income so I’m very happy and excited about that. One thing that’s always been a dream of mine–laugh if you will–has been to be a super fly young professional/socialite. I know you’re saying that in order to be that you need to already have money, or at least a job, but I’m going make a new brand of socialite. I just really like going out. Some people say that it’s just a phase but I feel that people should always take time to explore a new place and have a drink or meal with friends. It seems like something that should never get old.
In any case, as far as things that will prove more beneficial to my future, I may be having an interview at the Brazilian embassy soon. Words can’t express how pumped I am for it and how thankful I am to my Portuguese professor and dear friend, Michael, for helping to make this a possibility. Everything just sort of worked out perfectly one evening when he invited me to a reception at the Ambassador’s opulent mansion on Massachusetts Avenue after the kickoff of an Iberian Literary Conference that took place at Georgetown a few weeks ago. There I was chatting up with a literature aficionado from Chile and Michael just shows up and tells me to go speak to one of the Embassy’s employees. Let’s cross our fingers!
Other than that, last weekend I went to New York City! I figured that since I probably wouldn’t be traveling to any exotic foreign locales such as Southeast Asia (which a whole bunch of my friends seem to be doing now that they’ve graduated), I’d might as well go to the next best thing. Besides, it was Annabel’s birthday! I hadn’t seen her and some other friends since they had graduated in 2008 (or even earlier than that), so I thought it would be a great surprise for me to just pop up, both for them and for myself. I also got the chance to meet some very interesting new people that I hope will run into again in the future.
Aside from those things, another amazing thing that I was able to take from that experience was really sort of seeing the…charming side of New York City. No, it wasn’t a specific place or neighborhood…it was just seeing the people be..well…people…in spite of the crowded, dirty metropolis that surrounds them. For instance, I saw this one father playing with his young daughters on the Subway as his physically-exhausted wife gazing on contentedly. It just made me smile. Before, I had always envisioned New Yorkers as brash, ruthless individuals (well, at least the NYers that stay in the city and never leave it), but really…they do have their redeeming aspects. Or maybe I’m just bitter because I’m from Upstate. Either way, I’m now feeling that maybe I should expand my job search to include The City as well. Just imagining being in that enormous city, discovering it in bits, partying it up til the wee hours of the morning with my friends, and meeting all sorts of characters makes me feel all jittery inside.
Whatever happens, I’ll be sure to record it here. =)
Now Playing: Chelsea Lately
As originally written on May 31, 2010:
Now Playing: The grunts of Flavia Penetta and Carolina Wozniaki in the 4th round of the French Open
First off, I’m so angry that they’re not playing Venus Williams’s match right now on the Tennis Channel. She’s an American, for crying out loud! And on an American channel, she should DEFINITELY have priority over the Dane and the Italian. Besides, she’s the #2 seed! What the bleep???!?
Alas, back to the subject of this post.
I have graduated.
It’s been kind of hard for me to come to terms with this. I recognize that I’ve already walked across the stage and gone through the other commencement weekend activities, but I still feel like there are a lot of loose ends. Why? Well, I will be taking an early history course about one week from now, so that would have a lot to do with it. Contrary to most people in my class, school hasn’t technically ended for me. I don’t have that paper–just the English translation of what that paper will sumptuously profess in Latin. Also, I don’t feel like my time here in Washington is over. After all, I did spend an entire year in Brazil during my junior year and frankly, I really want that year back. I’m not quite ready to leave this place and although I’m overjoyed to be spending my summer in Silver Spring, my city-born snobbery quickly reminds me that Silver Spring, Maryland is not Washington, District of Columbia!
So this means that I am going to want one year and three months in DC to make up for the time that I’ve spent away from it.
But mostly, I just miss my friends. Most importantly, I miss the stability that they have come to provide for me. This is something that hangs over my head and clouds my judgment when it comes to my future hopes and plans. I realize that we can’t all be together right now and that we all most go our separate ways. I’ve done that so many times before–hell, I’ve even welcomed it and willed that part on! This is what many people have referred to as one of my strengths: my ability to start anew and thrive wherever I choose to go. I did it when I first went to City Honors School and I did it again during college; I even did it at an unprecedented level once I went abroad because then I had to overcome language and cultural barriers. Now I have the chance to do start over again, in a new place and and new faces, and I’m copping out. I’m afraid to take the next step because I don’t know what the consequences will be. I don’t know who’s going to still be around once, and if, I come back and it scares me because I love my current friends so much that it’s hard for me to imagine life without them near.
This is a first for me. It’s a first for me because I have always put my dreams and aspirations above everyone else; not in the sense that I run people over to attain them, but in the sense that if the opportunity presents itself, I take advantage of it with no looking back. For example, when going to college I knew that I would never remain in-state–so I went to Georgetown. Also, I had always wanted to go abroad, ever since I got my first penpal in the 8th grade, and after years of being put down by my parents or by the realities of my financial situation, I jumped at my opportunity to study abroad in 2008 and spent a full year in Rio de Janeiro. I even went back this past March.. I guess the question now is, what are my goals now?
[ √ ] Well, I know that I want to be in a city that I like.
[ ] I want to spend more time abroad so that I can further my foreign language skills.
[ ] I want to be near my close friends.
[ ] I want to still be connected to Georgetown.
[ ] I want to live independently.
[ ] I want a job. Any job that I wouldn’t hesitate to put on my resume.
Eff, they’re all in conflict with each other. That’s what makes this time so much more different from the others. I’m going to have to lost some/a lot in order to gain some.
Plus Venus lost.
Hopefully the moqueca turns out well.
Damn!
As originally written on May 21, 2010:
Now Playing: “Bulletproof” by La Roux
Today is the day before graduation. My mom and stepfather are already in Baltimore, waiting for their SuperShuttle to arrive and bring them to the city.
I haven’t been able to have a good night’s rest for much of the past week and what with the heavy alcohol consumption and partying, it’s made it so that my stomach has been in tatters as well. I feel like my immune system must be going down, as my sniffles seem to evidence right now, but I am frankly living the most carefree that I’ve lived since Brazil. And I love it.
It’s strange for me to imagine my family being here…especially since the last time that any of them were was when I first came to Georgetown as a freshman and was so much in a hurry for them to leave. As if their mere presence would somehow stifle my college experience. I think I just wanted to claim the school as the fruit of all my labor (which didn’t seem like too much at the time because it just came so easily), as my own. Now I see a shift. I want them to be here so bad that it felt like personal swipes at my ego when I found out that some of my family couldn’t make it. It’s as if I am now suddenly craving validation through them for something that I never truly gave them a chance to become familiar with.
I wonder how they deal with me sometimes.
Today’s going to be a busy day. Tropaia , Harambee, Senior Ball–I guess that I crave days like this when I don’t have any time to think; when all I can do is act and react. They’re a nice way to break up the monotony of my thoughts.
Speaking of thoughts, I never quite elaborated on my experience at the job fair.
Overall, it was a lot less stressful than I had imagined. Also, I couldn’t help but to feel that it was bit falsely advertised. The entire premise was to have Spanish and/or Portuguese-speaking individuals come to look for jobs that were geared towards thei abilities. No such thing! Half of them didn’t even have a language component to the job! I guess that what they really wanted was “diversity”. Why couldn’t they have just said that to begin with though? It’s interesting how language can be used and interpreted. Sometimes you never quite know what you’re going to get.
In any case, there was a huge plus to trooping all the way to Northeast DC. After more or less being shutdown by one employer who said he didn’t know how I could apply my Portuguese skills to a job with his company, I was approached by a very kind gentleman with golden skin, round cheeks, and a genuine, toothy smile, in his forties or fifties. “I couldn’t help but to overhear that you studied Portuguese in college…I’m a Brazilian so I was kind of offended when he said that you wouldn’t be able to do anything with your degree.” ::chorus of angels sing:: It turns out that Eduardo is from Goiania, a city known for its huge sertanejo music scene and for its mulherada (hahaha), and has been living in the US for some time with his wife and two young daughters. Like me, he too had been duped by the event’s advertisement so we proceeded to commiserate over that together. Before I knew it, I was invited to a barbecue at his house in Baltimore sometime over this summer. I really do hope that works out because he seems like a really nice person and only good things can happen when you surround yourself with good people, right?
Now Playing: “Erotic” by Keyshia Cole
As originally written on May 13, 2010:
Now Playing: “Water Runs Dry” by Boys II Men
I guess that I would first like to start things off by saying hello. To whom I’m addressing myself to right now, I haven’t the slightest idea but I welcome you all the same.
Normally in situations such as this I would list a generic list of likes and dislikes in order to give you a bit more insight about who I am, but since I imagine that mostly friends or people who have basic idea of what my personal character is like are going to be my readers, I’m going to skip that for the time being. As for the rest of you, well, I hope that you’ll be able to form your own opinions about me as the blog evolves.
So let’s get down to business…
I’m so nervous right now. My stomach hurts and my eyes feel tired…probably since I haven’t had any substantial sleep since 5:30pm. When I chose to start my day. It’s finals week here at Georgetown. Actually, it’s the final finals week of my undergraduate career (well, sort of). I’ve completed one paper and three more to go but I’m stuck on one of them. I have to finish it soon so that I can get stumped on the next one. They’re all in Portuguese by the way…and never before have the words seemed so small in comparison to English words, so small that for the amazing effort I’ve put into writing them, I’m still only 4 out 7 pages complete. It’s doing a number on my psyche.
But yeah, back to why I’m nervous. I’m going to a job fair. For Latinos. This is funny because it’s my first job fair, I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to do well, I’m traveling to Trinity College (all the way in Northeast DC) to attend it, and because I’m not Latino. I sure can speak me some Portuguese though! Also, I’m nervous because of my fro.
In any case, I just want for everything to go well. I need some constructive feedback because I’m out of practice when it comes to interviews. I also need a job. Basically I’m like any other non-wealthy soon-to-be college graduate that hasn’t yet secured a job and isn’t going on an amazing trip to some exotic locale shortly after graduation. The summer is full of possibilities but I least want some legit ones.
No hopes, no wishes–I’m in need of some realities.
I’ll be sure to tell you all how it went.
Now Playing: “The First of Me” by Hoobastank
